


Stepping on The Last Train (Marked Me Like a Bloodstain)

by maryrabinson



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Andrew Minyard Has Feelings, Andrew Minyard Loves Neil Josten, Angst, Anxiety, Break Up, Established Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard, Fear, Loneliness, M/M, No Moriyamas - Freeform, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Post-Canon, Soft Neil Josten, Therapy, neil runs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:20:17
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,791
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25581979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maryrabinson/pseuds/maryrabinson
Summary: After Andrew graduates, he decides to find a job in social work rather than exy. Neil distances himself, and eventually disappears all together. Neil didn't intend to hurt Andrew as much as he did, he just hoped Andrew could be better off without him. That was not what happened, and Neil did not think anything through before he ran.
Relationships: Neil Josten/Andrew Minyard
Kudos: 26





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first fic, and this is only the prologue but I hope you like it and I hope it's not too confusing. Some things you should know:  
> -Moriyamas never made a deal that meant Neil had to play exy so basically remove them from canon all together.  
> -Andrew works in social work instead of playing pro exy  
> -Some of these chapters might be flashbacks, the other chapters will either be in Andrew's perspective or Neil's  
> enjoy!

Andrew’s fist grips his mug dangerously tight. Bee sits across the table from him; she smiles warmly at him, but Andrew isn’t stupid. He can see the pity behind her eyes. They are in his kitchen today, even though he’d prefer to be in her office. That would be unprofessional. She is not his therapist anymore. She can’t be; she only sees Palmetto students.  
The room is silent, besides the clock ticking on the wall. Andrew considers smashing it. His jaw clenches and he meets Betsy’s eyes. He does not smash the clock.  
“Do you miss him?” Bee asks, finally breaking the silence.  
It’s as if she sensed his frustration with the silence that he normally prefers. There’s too much time to think in the silence when he’s in a bad head space. She knows that. Is that what this is? A bad head space? He doesn’t think so.  
“Who?” Andrew asks, not willing to make this easy. Thinking about it isn’t easy, so why should talking about it be?  
Bee doesn’t give in to his act, simply fixing him with an observant stare.  
“I hate him,” Andrew says, his voice much too close to a crack for his liking. He had long since stopped hiding his emotions, but this made him want to wrap his arms around his chest as tight as he could and never speak again.  
“I used to say that a lot,” he says. “I never meant it, but now I think I do. He just left after his last final. He didn’t even go to his graduation. I went to his graduation only for him to not be there when they called his name. He led me on that entire summer before his last year and then he just stopped talking to me unless I forced it. Then I receive a fucking graduation announcement in the mail and so I go because what else am I supposed to do when my boyfriend graduates college and invites me to the ceremony? Except, oops! Neil forgot to show up! And then he never fucking shows up again! He leaves me a damn letter on his door because he knew I would be looking for him. Who fucking does that shit? Oh, yeah. Neil does, because all he fucking does is leave and lie and run away. So, to answer your question, Bee. No, I don’t fucking miss him.”  
Andrew slams his mug down on the table, and the hot chocolate splashes over the edge. It’s gotten cold, but his stomach turns at the thought of it, anyway.  
“What did the letter say?” Betsy asks, calmly.  
“What?”  
“You said he left you a letter. What did he say, if you don’t mind me asking.”  
Andrew scoffs. “Just a bunch of his bullshit. He said he was sorry. He had to leave. How he was only going to ruin my life or some shit and that I deserved better. The fucking ring I gave him was in the envelope. He made sure to include his no in the letter.”  
“You proposed?” Bee asks, surprised.  
Andrew nods. He had proposed, during that last summer before Neil’s last year at Palmetto. He never would have done it if he didn’t think Neil would agree. As it turns out, that was just one more thing he was wrong about when it comes to Neil.  
“Right before he went back to school. I thought it would make him feel better while he was alone there, to know that I wasn’t going to leave while he was gone. I guess I should’ve been the one who was worried.”  
“What did he say when you first asked?”  
“That he would think about it. Not that it matters, now anyways. He’s clearly done with his thinking.”  
The room is silent once again. Andrew taps his blunt fingernails on the table, nervously.  
“I just wish I knew where he is. That he’s safe. That wherever or whoever the hell he ran to was worth it.”  
At least he did know one thing for certain; Neil didn’t change his name; the FBI would never allow that, unless he went into witness protection. Somehow, Andrew doubts that.


	2. In My Defense, I Have None

Neil Josten’s feet hit the ground, hard. Over and over. The rain hits his back, cold. Over and over. He really should have bought a raincoat before moving back to Baltimore. He’d forgotten how often it rained in Maryland compared to South Carolina.

Finally, the clouds break a little and the sun shines down on him. Pennies shine in the fountain as he stops to sit on the edge of it. Regret is not a feeling that Neil is used to. Fear he knows well, but regret is a foreign emotion to him. It’s a useless one. Today, he feels both fear and regret. He hopes that Andrew understands why he left, but he knows he probably doesn’t. It almost hurts that Andrew hasn’t come looking for him, which isn’t fair at all. He did this, why should Andrew come beg for someone who treats him so badly? It’s just-It isn’t as if he went anywhere where he would be difficult to find. Which is where the fear comes in. 

Neil always hated Baltimore. It’s full of nothing but horrors and nightmares, terrible memories and horrible people. He isn’t afraid of the city, though. His parents are gone. Nobody here would hurt him. That may not be exactly true, he isn’t too sure that the people of Baltimore are going to take too kindly to the son of The Butcher coming back into town. He tosses a metaphorical penny into the fountain and prays that nobody tries to kill him. 

He takes out his phone, considers calling Andrew. He doesn’t call Andrew, but he does call his therapist.

It’s a strange thing, having a therapist. Neil never thought he would like therapy, had fought Andrew tooth and nail about it. Now, it keeps him sane when he’s terrified about the fact that he’s alone. It was difficult finding one, though. He didn’t like any of the female ones, too much like his mother. The male ones were almost always older and their loud voices reminded him too much of his father, dressed in a suit and pretending to be the perfect gentleman.

Eventually, he found Rebekah. While she was a woman, at thirty she was also semi-close to Neil in age. It helped, someone who could be his sister rather than his mother.

“Hello?” she says, answering her private number that she had given Neil for emergencies. He wasn’t sure if this was an emergency but he definitely felt urgent.

“Rebekah, I did something really bad.” he whispers.

The sun is causing his head to ache now and he wishes the rain would come back.

“Neil? Are you okay? You missed your last appointment. I called Andrew, but he told me you two had separated and he didn’t know where you were. Did something happen?”

“I left,” He chokes out, his breath is coming too quick now.

“Neil, calm down, take a breath like we practiced. Remember?”

He takes slow breaths, trying to calm himself. He counts to ten like he normally does during a panic attack. Is he having a panic attack? He doesn’t think he is, but he’s been wrong before.

“I’m in Baltimore,” he says, when he’s calmed down. “I don’t know what happened. Andrew probably thinks I’ve been planning it for weeks but I just freaked out all of the sudden. I don’t know what caused it, but now I’ve ruined everything. I told him I didn’t want to marry him, which just isn’t true. I left before I even got my diploma, and I inherited a really expensive house but I won’t sleep there because I keep seeing Nathan cutting people apart. I left everyone I know and somehow, in the past five years I’ve developed an even worse fear of being alone. And I’m kind of pissed that Andrew hasn’t come to find me but that just makes me more of an asshole.”

Rebekah takes a deep breath.

“Well, that’s a lot to unpack,” she says, brightly. “Why did you leave? You said you wanted to marry Andrew. And don’t say you don’t know what happened, that’s bullshit.”

Neil wipes away the tears that have settled on his scars. He didn’t even realize he had been crying, and he hates that.

“He’s better off this way. He has a real job. He wants to help foster kids and he’s doing that. I’m just going to hold him back. I’ll always be playing exy and traveling and leaving him by himself and what if he wants to foster kids? I know he will. I can’t do that. I can’t take that from him, either, though. He isn’t like me, he’ll find someone else. He’ll be okay. I wish I could've been that person for him but I’m just not.”

“What about you?” Rebekah asks, sounding unsatisfied with Neil’s very well thought out response. He feels slightly offended.

“What about me?”

“You just told me that you have a terrible fear of being alone. Yet, you said that Andrew will be okay because he isn’t like you and he can find someone else. I know you’ve mentioned your sexuality before, but just because Andrew will be okay and he’ll find someone else to love, what about you? Are you going to live your whole life unhappy because you think you aren’t good enough for Andrew?”

“If that’s what’s best for him, then yes.”

Rebekah doesn’t speak for a long time, probably considering if this is an argument worth having with Neil right now. It probably isn’t. Neil has been told he’s a stubborn idiot.

“You mentioned you’re living in your old family house there? She asks, switching the topic.

“I wouldn’t call it living. I go there to use the bathroom and shower. My stuff is there. I’ve tried sleeping there, but I just can’t do it. I have nightmares or flashbacks. More panic attacks than I’ve had since I started seeing you.”

“Have you considered selling it and moving somewhere else?”

He laughs dryly. “Nobody is going to buy The Butcher of Baltimore’s house.”

“Remodel it,” She suggests. “Make it your house, instead of his.”

Neil considers this. He still hates the thought of living alone in that large house, but he could make it seem a little less scary to his subconscious. It would be somewhere to put his energy until he can find a job or an exy team or anything to give his days a little bit of meaning. He says goodbye to Rebekah, looks at his phone and considers calling Andrew again. He doesn’t.


End file.
